I want to meet the person who created, marketed, and sold (and made) millions off of the infamous Elf on the Shelf.
If and when this day ever comes, this is what I would say:
Dear Inventor: You have made my life a living hell. That little bastard has sucked the Christmas joy right out of my soul. Not only is he a pain in my ass, but like I need ANOTHER FREAKING THING TO REMEMBER TO DO DURING DECEMBER.
I am OVER it. My kids are over it, I mean really, how many times can I threaten them, "The elf is watching!" (You know that prick I jumped out of bed at 4:07 am to move because I forgot to do it before I went to bed?!) Ya, that guy! HE IS DEAD TO ME!!!!!
And then of course, he falls.
On the floor. While your kids are eating their breakfast before school.
And mayhem ensues: "OOOHHHMMMGGGG Mommy don't touch him!!!!!!!! OOOHHHMMMMGGGG is he dead??????????""""""""""
Yeah, 'cause I need more stress in my morning routine.
And if you touch the prick, ya know, in front of the kids, he loses his magic supposedly..... ya know all that fabulous magic the Elf possesses that causes good behavior over the holidays?? Causes all the whining from every 3, 6, and 9 year old to just instantaneously stop, causes all the fits about bedtime, eating your vegetables, doing your homework to just magically disappear, he also ends all sibling disputes about sharing or 'but I was watching Shake it Up and then SHE changed the channel Mommy!' with just the mere mention of his name.....ya, that magic...it will disappear......I'll tell you what I would like to have disppear...the freaking elf himself.
And why don't you have FEET? It's wierd. Trust me, I know you are lazy 'cause I have to move your holiday ass every day for a month so a pair of feet would probably be a waste on you anyway.
Then there is travelling over the holidays - again - like I need another thing to PACK?!?!?!?! And if we don't bring him, then my children are devastated because the elf abandonded them. He flew back to Santa (cause he has NO FEET TO WALK) telling horrible tales of the McFee children (and their bitter Mommy). You try sharing a hotel room with 5 people, desperately trying to stay awake past your kids after driving 8 hours, watching Cars 2 and Tangled for the umpteenth time, handing out 17 million snacks, and making 14 potty stops, in an attempt to hide the damn elf in the dark so A) you don't wake anybody up and B) the Christmas magic can live on!!
Bite Me Elf. You are dead to me!
When did Santa stop being enough???
I am not alone in this hatred. We all try to pretend we enjoy giving our kids one more special memory to cherish from their youth. When in reality, we all just want to punch him in the throat.
Obviously everyone reading this blog knows that I have made a career out of design, trends, and color. I have actually been dubbed a "color queen" because my eye for color and pattern is so good (or so they say).....
Um, well, in my haste to join the ranks of being a PERFECT MOM with a PERFECT CHRISTMAS with a PERFECT DAMN ELF....apparently I bought an elf who, how shall I say, doesn't match my family! And here is the funniest part.... we have had him for 2 years and no one has ever noticed!!! Not until my neighbor almost spit her wine out when she saw "Jacob" - my ethnic, footless elf sitting upon our mantle. Upon meeting her "Bob" I realized the difference, and it has only added to our fodder about the Lovely Elf on the Shelf!!!!!!!!!!
Five more days friends....5 more blessed days...then we can send the little A-Hole packin'!!!!!!!
Until then...Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Looking forward to a Luscious and Elf Free 2012!!!!!!!!!!
With Love From Me to Jacob and Bob,
and some of my other favorite pics I found!
The Elf and his HO HO HO's!!!
You KNOW that bastard has to drink to get thru the holidays too!
My thoughts exactly.