I have told many of my friends that someday (in my spare time) I am going to write a book titled: "What Women Can Get Accomplished Before 8am". I swear, doesn't every morning feel like an ultra marathon from the minute your alarm goes off until you get the kids out the door to school?!?! Two of my colleagues have reached the glorious stage of their last one heading off to kindergarten so they are truly ALONE by 7:oo am. They can actually enjoy a cup of coffee ALONE, eat breakfast ALONE, go potty ALONE, shower ALONE, get dressed ALONE. aaahhhhhh. I can't even imagine.
Well, this blog isn't for you...because you are probably reading this blog ALONE.....whatever.
This blog is dedicated to all of us mothers who still have toddlers clinging to us as we race through our morning routine, frantically trying to maintain our sanity while changing brains (and changing diapers) from Mommy Mode to Business Mode. Grabbing a sip of cold coffee while texting and responding to emails as you desperately channel surf trying to find Yo Gabba Gabba on TV for your aforementioned toddler who is now screaming......
INEVITABLY, the ONE morning you need everything to go RIGHT, with NO DRAMA, because you have an incredibly important meeting, presentation, conference call, flight to catch, volunteer at school, etc., etc...it all goes to SH*T.
I would like to describe one such morning to you.
I've gotten into the habit of showering with my little one in the morning because A) I can clean two booties at once and B) I can sneak out of the shower, get dressed, put on makeup, make my bed, etc., and I can keep an eye on him while he is busy playing in the water. Multi-tasking at its best! (Ok so perhaps my water bill & the environment wouldn't agree, but hey desperate times call for desperate measures)
Last week, as I am searching for an outfit in my closet that actually still fits me, and is somewhat attractive, and is clean and pressed because I have a photo shoot at 9am, and want to at least pretend that I got it goin' on - I hear a BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM from my bathroom.
I race into the bathroom to find my son crying HYSTERICALLY with his little body pressed so hard up against the shower door. In between his screams of "MOMMA I GET OUT!!!!!!!!" he is constantly glancing back as if a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex is right behind him.
As I get closer, my heart beating so fast, I try to assess the situation: I see no blood and cannot figure out for the LIFE of me why he is crying so hard or who in his mind is chasing him.
Then, I SEE IT.
The biggest TERD you could ever imagine laying on my shower floor.
AKA "The Tyrannosaurus Rex" chasing my son. He is so scared of his own terd that he has completely LOST it and any second now, I fully expect the shower door to just come crashing to the floor!
I open the door, grab my soaking wet little man (completely forgetting my outfit is now also soaking wet for my photo shoot), repeating "shhhh" in his ear, telling him, it's ok, it's ok, it's just poop, buddy, it's ok, I will get it. "GET IT MOMMA HELP ME!!!!!!!!""
So, I wrap him in a towel, enter the shower, slay the T-rex with my bare hands, flush him down the toilet, look at the clock and realize I have 20 mins until my photo shoot....
I race around the house, get him dressed (and a clean diaper to prevent further T-rex attacks), calm him down, and serve him the breakfast of champions for all his pain and suffering: an ice pop followed by Scooby Doo Fruit Snacks. I gulp down my second sip of cold coffee (when what I really want is a Bloody Mary by now), attempt to style my half dry hair, slap on some lipstick, and run up to my studio with sweat dripping down my back (my shirt's already wet so really, who cares at this point).
The photographer looks at me...well not really, me, but my shirt, and as my glance meets his, I realize that there is poop on the side of my shirt near my hip where I was straddling my son.......
I just look at him, take a deep breath and say,
"Well, what can you do, SH*T Happens......"
Now take the freaking picture.
With Love From Me to Hue Poop,
PS. Today is the One Year Anniversay of my blog!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing the journey with me xoxo